its sticky.

gray, black, and red.

it's only real if you let it be. 

christmas perils

perils.
christmas perils.

its too much to write.
theres so much pain today, i feel it seeping it, even despite the incredible blessings that i have in front of me..

i'm home.
bubba...

it's been a great christmas.

I feel the entire world, in one piece, fractaled out into spider webs of kinnecton...
fragile fires, endless tapes and wires.
we are those ones, we are here.

I feel myself expanding rapidly, I'm prepared. keep your head on straight. don't scream.


I went to Brien Cristi's house tonight and it was awesome. We hung out, listened to awesome music (including David Bowie - Black Star?), Miah showed us his drawings, and Brien read his poem/reading aloud for us. It was pretty cool. Mostly I just like being with those people. I aspire <3

Aika, Miah, Caitlyn, Tyler, Brien, Doty, Doty's partner, and a new person who was cool.
I should go to bed. if I was sleeping outside I would go look at it... it's crazy, I'm going to miss seeing the lunar eclipse because its super cold and I'm lazy. if i't was warm I would 100% make myself stay up a little longer and go, or just go now. but I'm third as fuck and I should go to sleep tbh.

this place is special. while I'm eager to leave and learn new things, I also value the experiences that this place has to offer. But I also want to get out of my comfort zone and do something different. If it wasn't for Advocates I would 100% say yes, absolutely, lets go to this farm in Eugene and rock it for a year. but advocates has created this responsibility. its like having a child that isn't quite grown up yet. So, I have to delay my aspirations in one area of my life in order to pursue another........

I guess that makes sense?
man.. can I not have both.. there HAS to be a way.. right? ferric.....

what is going onnnnn???
will I ever know? will anyone?
are we fish? swimming up the river, trying not to get eaten by bears?
or are we blue birds... free, to roam the sky and take shelter in the trees..?
are we not both?

I don't know if I will ever feel ready for something that isn't here.
so with that in mind, how do I know if something is right until its there? what is the smartest thing to do..?
most responsible... for who??

manifest... possibilities
aspiration
horticulture learning
a job that allows me to express my passions while learning about horticulture, maintaining relevancy in the field of horticulture, and practicing horticulture daily.

love list

this is my love list

- cats, my cats
- all animals
- trees
- sunny days
- fall afternoons
- people that make me feel safe, wanted, loved, funny, smart
- people that appreciate me
- my best friends
- soul family
- my supporting family
- beer
- vegan food!


This morning is interesting. Suzie isn't here, and the boys (cats) aren't here.
tillo and batman spent the night outside. goodness I hope they didn't freeze!
aya and jade are on my bed, and ammonite is in the tower. they've all eaten breakfast.

I'm going to stretch, and then make my own breakfast, and then get dressed, and then load the car up. I need to water the plants too, and leave early so I can pick up olive oil and cat food. I'm working with Sara today.. not dave. mer. its just one day, you can do it.

love is a thing that makes the heart ache
it hurts, it heals, it finds peace and reverence
my only regret is that I did not make more of it
I found the end, I found the side of me that is unconditional.
I can do this
control, breatehe,
be smart and care.


Harold Is sitting on my suit case.
I'm gong to stretch now.

<3

winter solstice

I am feeling sentimental
it is the winter solstice <3
and it is an eclipse
I am feeling honored
to be apart of this beautiful world.

its crazy how moods can change so quickly.

I'm so confused.
which way is up, or down, around and around..
dizzy, exhausted, can I hear me scream?
can I hear the circles.. the fearless turtles.
get off of me, do you not feel this?
I know I'm creating it, but am I?
I can't be that powerful. harness your own power.
am I too powerful for you? that is not coming from the ego, it's coming from irritation, stop ...

and its switched, switchback. calm, irritation, irrationality, regret, appreciation, serenity, calm, satisfaction, dissatisfaction, irritation, irrationality, extremity, fatality...
regret, appreciation, serenity

hyper

i am hyper aware
of this flow
of my surroundings
my thoughts
my feelings - and the detachment from them
sometimes, I wish it would just go away....
i wish the awareness would pause expansion...
but that's a selfish wish, an ego wish, ego trap, disease...
fear.
and i'm aware of that.
but i feel this darkness,
i see it, i can touch it, and taste it.
i'ts bitter, like the hops i like to drink.

there is so much inside of me.. what am i tryin to say?

I am here. and i do not want to listen to what the darkness has to say about me anymore.
let.go.
i thought that is was what i was doing...
is it happening?
IS IT HAPPENING?
IS IT fucking happening??

HOW can one be so aware..

am i downloading?
activated, under stars in Massachusetts.

what did i do wrong, along the way?
it feels like there was something...... is it me? is that just my role? the lost one... saved by the wolf. everything happens for a reason....  my girlfriend has that tattooed on her....

do you know what is happening?
is this....
thoughts come and go.

i can hear them.
they are me
i can hear myself, in other places.
it's al me. my connection to spirit, source, the everything, infinite, dualistic, triad,  infinite miracles.

i did everything the best that i could...
Caitlyn talks about entities that want bodies
they take advantage of your weak moments..... they feed on negative energy
take control, find balance, feel peace.

i think we all feel things that we aren't prepared for.
even the awareness of my awareness that feelings are only the mind, that is a feeling that i am certainly not prepared for. but i am learning.

aren't we all high?

think about it, if we are the consciousness, streaming....
we are important to keeping this alive.
we are important for getting this to thrive.
our energy,
our words, actions, and swords...
the weapons we choose,
the the light that we hold,
the fear that we shed,
it's all so imporatant,

keep writing
you are the one that hears.
keep listening
I am here,
I am listening,
I do not fear
we will rise,
can you hear?
I am not listening...
what do they say?

if you feel like screaming, do it

if you feel like throwing your hands up, throwing it all up, to the wind, hoping it will take you with it, then do it, because it won't.

you will still be here, you will still be able to stand, and walk, and speak.

they cannot take that from you.

they are trying to break you, they are trying to push you so far deep into the dirt that you suffocate. they want you hopeless, surrendered.

what they do not know is that the further they push you down, the stronger you become. because you will not suffocate, you will not give up, and you will not surrender to a force so far removed from your spirit.

you will push your way to the surface of the soil, and just as you think you cannot push any further, you cannot breathe, you can no longer move, you will reach the surface, and the sunlight will pierce your budding leaves. rejuvenate yourself in the light; there lies your strength.

you have been place here by hands that make no mistakes. you have been called on, listen. I know you hear it.

I know it is difficult to hear cries that you cannot soothe. the nurture in me is so heartbroken, what do I do? what can I do?

Hope, persevere, follow the light, and never lose sight of it.

You are the light. Extend this light beyond the comfortable sphere of like-mindedness that you've nestled yourself into over the years. As we've discovered the truth, we have weeded out those who cannot see it, refuse to see it. Integrate them back into your life. Plant your garden and watch it grow; nurture it, love it unconditionally, and wait with patience as it, too, finds the light to bloom.

The only reason a flower would hesitate to bloom is if it did not have the resources to do so: sunlight, water, food. PROVIDE THE RESOURCES. Be the light, water, food, friend, teacher...

Look at the ground beneath you. We're all standing on it.

Listen to your heartbeat. It's not over. Take a deep breathe, keep moving forward.

I'm feeling very stuck at this moment in time.
I'm in bed, on a cold fall morning. Ammonite is here.

I didn't go to Caty's this morning because I had anxiety about it. I thought I had to go into work, but I didn't, so I didn't go anywhere. I took a little nap, and now its almost 11:30.

To do today...
- work on that grant
- yoga class
- email to SE team about upcoming shows - two more people left
- volunteer opportunties in Cincy and Cleveland - make a sheet to give at the shows
- pay for WOOF membership
- Affirmation art
- AOC action day research organization
- get together info about grants from Eclipise Concepts - add it to a document to give grant writing interns


Fall fades into winter. my plants are dead, my feelings are splinters.
weakening weather, strengthening will.
to go inside, to take the pill?
to feel alive, to feel alone...
I have not finished, I am not done
find the light inside, kindness and love.
that is you, you are the one.
don't fret, don't fight, you are alive.


I feel good today. batman is snuggling with me. I've gotten some syc stuff done.
I feel good about getting this syc stuff done. I feel really big things coming for us, I just have to stay on top of things. the computer helps a fuck ton.

Fall

Fall is always a good time for me.

Something about the air.
something about how the light is always orange..
angles, atmosphere, bending light, turning it in from dark.

Trump was elected on Tuesday. Compassion, turn on high.
Hope. Hold on.

Now I'm watching videos on youtube about it.

I feel really good today.
Sumo and I had a really great giggly morning.
Then I dropped her off at work.
Then I got a bunch of syc work done.
Stretched.
Made tincture water and a nice tea blend.
I'm going to put my buchi in containers either tonight or tomorrow.
going to pick up sumo from work at 5, and I wanna take her for a drink at cider house.
then we may hangout with Sammy. I want to create mantra art.

some celebrities have some wisdom. white privelage, to be able to have access to the knowledge that all always have access to: yourself. It's crazy, right? It seems only those that are privileged are given the opportunity to know that meditation and self-awareness and being present in the moment are the only way out of your mind. Go inside your mind to get out of it. Go inside your mind to get out of the torture.

"I will not stay uninspired by whats inspired me. Being inspired, courage, brave, Bold, and active into your own future and everyones future.. depends on you. thats within your own circle of influence. I'm not going to say that 'we lose' because that's a waste of time. We're all going to lose no matter what, it's the journey that counts, its how we collabarate with each other that counts. "

Fall...
A time of seclusion, reclusion, inclusion.
subtraction, from normal life.
reflection, for my own sake.
a time where I can validate staying inside all day, stretching, thinking, reading, healing...
the light is orange, the feelings are transformational

it doesn't have to sound right to feel right. I am expression.
I am an endless sea of thoughts. but that is not me. I am not thoughts. I am ME.
what is me? what is feeling? Humanity is feeling. Humanity is emotion. WE are not human. WE are NOT our emotions. So then what is? Humans are emotions. So.. for us to deny those emotions, we are denying the essence of being human. what is a human without humanness? A machine? A vessel that lacks compassion, empathy.. only expresses lower vibrational emotions.. the primal, instinctual ones. fear. aggression. but we are much more than primal. look how far we have come? shouldn't we start acting like it?

FALL -  A TIME TO REFLECT
a time to mourn the years losses, but to magikly feel renewed at the loss. to feel like everything is exactly, how, it, is, supposed, to, be.
A time to feel the deepest parts of yourself.
dig deeper.
feel. focus. breathe. get comfortable.
also a time to be cold.. adjustment. stay loose, keep stretching, do what you need to do for yourself to remain calm, happy, fearless, full of light.

learn from the orange light. take it in, feel it's refraction, its evening warmth, angles, refraction.
we are human, in this life. I am not human. I have taken on this human identity, so that I may learn the lessons that my karmic life needs to learn. so that I may learn unconditional love. love without conditions.

patience, gratitude, love, essence of being, self-care, effective and open communication.

Those ones.. the ones that bicker at you, look down upon you, treat you with disrespect. they are treating themselves with disrespect. they are here to learn their own lessons, and whatever they may be, they are INTENSE. they will learn quickly, when it comes their time. they will feel the love inside their heart, and they can deny truth no more. Just keep writing. for peace, for change, for hope, and love.

keep writing to find yourself, to be yourself. who are you? who am I? I. I. I. It is I. I am myself. I am me.

I am grateful today for
- my kitties
- my plants
- my home
- my tinctures
- kombucha
- batman
- fall lighting
- sunny days in the fall
- suzanne morgan
- my tight knit clan
- I'm grateful for the opportunities that life gives me everyday to learn lessons from those that surround me. This life is a classroom, I know this, and I am grateful to be able to share information that I was granted access to.

So, why. me? why me? this is to you, source. spirit, god? why me? I know there are reasons, mostly mathematical. but... I'm searching for some kind of answer. what is it? what am I searching for, even? a friend to be like.. OH YES THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME. Anthony? similar things have happened to him.

Please grant me the strength to be myself around him. to TRULY open up to him. to love myself enough to not be scared to openly express myself.

catalyst

I identify with the catalyst.

today

- pick up table from boys house
- thrift store
- cool digs to get promix
- vote

- pick dandelions
- repot plants, and feed



I'm about to look up the candidates for voting today. Sumo and I are going to go vote...

I feel bad kind of today because I didn't go to Caty's house again... but I really needed this day to get myself together more. It's hard going to her place most of the day Monday and then work the rest of the week, and then I'm either out of town or busy with house stuff for Saturday and Sunday.. or sumo and I are chilling, catching up, because we usually don't see each other much during the week.

Life is such a balancing act, it's so intense.
I feel like there is never enough time.
Being outside makes time go slower, sure, but then you're outside, and the things that need 'done' don't get done.
What is "done"?
What is "doing?
We occupy ourselves with all of these things that need to "be done', because we don't know what else to do with ourselves. and when we 'have done' all of the things that 'needed done,' we reward ourselves with mindlessness, because we have used our mind so much to 'do' all the 'things'... but have we REALLY used our minds?

what does it mean to use your mind? do you use your mind to do things? do you use your mind to go inward.. to go inside the mind? if I am not my mind, can I go inside of it? can I only go inside of myself? because I am not my mind. my mind is a separate entity, I am the passenger, but also the driver. It's so strange. I am both. I am driving, manuevering, but I also must be careful to identify too much with this vehicle. I am just inside of the vehicle. Sometimes it go on autopilot. Was that what it was trained to do? Is that why it is so hard, sometimes, to take control? What makes the mind go on autopilot? conditioning.. there is one. But what about trauma?

Childhood trauma.. really teen year trauma. .. there is always a deeper source, until you reach source. I can try to find the root in the problem, but I could go on forever.. like sumo's shoulder muscles. you can keep trying to find the root of the pain, and you will find, easily, that what is causing the pain in one area is being caused by pain in another area. it is all connected, and you can search for the root, but it will always lead you back to source. because the source, is source. the source of truth, and pain, lies, and fear. The source s always source, because there IS NO OTHER. so.. why? why is this pain emerging from source? It is because we are inflicting it, because we are source, because we are all that there is. but there is also something deeper. paradox.

so, I can try and try and try to find the source, and maybe, in this lifetime, it will be easiest for me to believe that the source is the trauma between my mother and I in my teen years. maybe that will be easiest, for me to heal. but the truth is, the source is karmicly deeper than that, spanning many lifetimes, it is all connected, and a million actions and decisions and moments have led you to where you are, in this moment.

we are in control. we choose when we want to heal. we can search for the root, but unless we are looking for root of ourselves, we are misguiding ourselves. to heal the root issue, stop searching for the issue, but begins searching for the root. the root of yourself. what is the root of who you are? do you feel it?

do you feel the 'youness' beyond your mind? your mind is not you.

what is inside? what can you find? breathe. dmt.

Liberation. Boundless. Breath, Freedom.

I am dredging through the sticky webs. but they are grey now, the black is fading. turning to white. the sticky webs are also stretchy. and they can help me PROPEL forward, if I grant them that power. I just have to pull back, a little bit launch myself forward....
feel myself flying through space, free of residue, weighing me down. free I can move around! I can spin, and twist, and fly through this air without get sticky goo on my hands, without feeing weighed down.

Visualize this, often. You an do this.

water for cats

I'm thank full for so many things. I'm thankful for this computer that I'm typing on, I am loved, and safe, and cared for. I am safe, I am safe. I am thankful for Dave, a wonderful friend that is teaching me so much about honesty, with myself, and with others. He is open, he pulls me open. He allows me to see who I really am, and it's funny, because he thinks I'm the one 'teaching' him. Ha. Well, I am. I feel that too, but man, I learn so much from him. He has two beautiful children, and he is just the best dad, and he loves Teresa so much.

I'm thankful for the supportive people that I have in my life. I feel supported by so many people that I don't even know. Sure, they don't know me, and sure, I may have some weird spiteful feelings about that, but do I have a right to feel that way? Rather, I should say, does it serve me to feel that way? No, I don't think so. People are allowed to care about you deeply and not even know you. You feel that way about so many...

People are allowed to care for me deeply even if they do not know me.

I will write everyday. I will write everyday. I will write everyday. It's what got me through my teen years, potentially the only thing that truly did. Is that fair to say? I had a loving family, even my mother. I always knew she loved me deeply. I knew that's why she acted so crazy; I just didn't want to validate that behavior, and it felt like I had absolutely no control of what was going on in my mind. There was ALWAYS this voice that told me that I could just sit up, and talk, but once I got down, it was so hard to get up. The hardest thing to do is get up. Once you're up, it feels so good.

I should talk to Dave about what's going on. I should talk to him. I think he will allow me to find my voice, to truly ask for help. I don't have my voice with Anthony yet, and I feel that it is important that I do that. Dave is equally as guiding of me right now though, if not more, because I talk to him deeply every week. It's therapy to talk to someone and feel like you're helping them - I feel that way about talking to him... soo.. if I talk to him about my past - start with my past. Address the root problem. You cannot give up on this relationship with Sumo (even if it's NOT who you will end up with at the time of your death ---- wow, am I really that scared of that word ------ it's still important to forge this beautiful loving nurturing relationship right NOW, because growth, healing this wound that feels so deep) before addressing the root - the past.

I will talk to Dave about my past, when the time is right, but I would like for the time to be right on Tuesday. I would like for the time to be right on Tuesday.

Experiences:
Should I do this? Is this okay? Am I allowed to tYPE this? Okay.
Sometimes they communicate through artwork.

I feel that I am a witch. I feel witchy. Herbs are amazing. I am so young, and I have so much to learn.

I wish I had known my ancestors. I wish I could tell them. I wish I could be at standing rock.

man... papadosio is such a trip.

I am so blessed.


Do witches feel emotion?
Oh, we feel the msot.
do witches feed you potion?
Ha, of course.
with the best intentions, of course.
I can write, ti doesn't matter what.

I can occupy my mind, with expression. words are all it really knows. feelings come next, and well, they feel.

I will write, everyday. because I feel like that is what's best for me.
Healing should feel good. It should be release.

If I had had the capacity to know what all those intense reactions, manipulations, emotional responses... what all the lack of air,
the lack of care, the spiraling, screaming, lashing..
blaming..
if I had known what all the struggling, the identifying with my feelings..
there was always that little voice, trying to save me.
but I listened to my intense emotional response, my feelings that were magnified by the stars, biology, and a mother struggling with the aftermath of her own childhood trauma.
I held too many expectations of her.
but before I start blaming myself,
it all happened, and everything happened exactly how it was supposed to.
I know that can be hard to hear, but only when it comes to her.
I think what may scare you the most, is the karma that is coming from all this mistreatment of people.
you know that it is coming, so what is it?
and what are you going to do about it?
heal. heal. heal.
your father, your sister, you. mother, your partner.
Ian... who else? can you feel the others?


I should get water for the cats.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went on tour a couple weeks ago for an entire week. I suppose I went for two weeks last time, but I had a break in between. Last time was hard too though, with Brien. I remember feeling really empty. It was crazy.

Now I'm sitting in my room. How do I feel? I feel like watching that HBO show. I know it will be easier for me to wake up in the morning if I feel ALIVE! I am alive. I feel alive, sometimes.

You can work through this. Just keep writing, don't think about what you're saying. you are intrinsicly poetic. You are deep, and beautiful, and wonderful. You are not a monster. You do not inflict pain. You do not inflict pain.

I do not inflict pain. I am beautiful, wonderful, a shining light. I am guided. I am safe, I am cared for, I am loved. I am not in pain because I did something wrong. I am in pain to grow. I am not being punished. I am being loved. I am being stretched to the edges, to the boundaries, stretched thin sometimes, but I believe in you. Leave some inside, for tomorrow. How do you feel, right now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't get water for the cats, but I got food for myself. I should get water for the cats. I got water for the cats.

my knees have been hurting. I need to stretch more. I will stretch more. I will stretch everyday.

I love myself.

The tunnel

I think a lot about how I will look back on this time. I take myself out of the present moment to reflect on my past self from the perspective of my future self. I use third person when speaking to myself, rather than first person. I address myself as a different individual than my own self. I understand how that can be confusing for a person. It confuses me, confuses myself.

I want to create a holistic health center, whether it be a formal center, with memberships and regular visitors, or my home, full of fresh air, healing arts, and gardens.

I think its important for me, myself, right now, to focus on what is right on front of me, myself; I'm not sure what those faces that I see in the mirror are. Sometimes I hear this clicking, creaking, in the back of my head. I think its alignment, of some sort, sometimes maybe it is misalignment.

I wish I had the words, the understanding, rather, of what is happening to me, to everyone. I wish I had the capacity to hold this space, open in time.  I wish I could stop wishing for things. I can.

It's time to get up, to feel the space between your fingers, to grasp onto your own feet. I will see the end of the tunnel, if I could only find the entrance.

a weekend in athens - one of the last

i had a really amazing weekend

Thurs- SYC at Yheti - afterparty at Jeremy's
Friday - pre-West Fest - hungout near hipster kids while acouostic music was played in the sun on a beautiful day. Although i'll be honest, i wasn't having the best day that day. I ate quarter hit of L around 2 pm. Met up with David, then we walked to the music together. Julie just kept saying how great of a day it was, but I felt empty for some reason.....

That night I went out to the show on 15 Morris. It was supposed to be at Tyler's house but it got cancelled. Miah came over, or else I probalby wouln't have made it out honestly. I was feeling super weird. Miah, Caitlyn, and Jared spun fire at the party/show. Wed Zepween and FOTO played. I stayed for a bit, got really high and drank a little whiskey. I wished I had stayed longer as soon as I left... wanted to kick it and let loose some more.

Alfred was in town. So was Ali. That was neat.

Saturday Julie and I went to the free meal at UCM at 1 cause Kat told me to go. Then we went to the street fair and watched some live music stuff. I was super super stoned cause I had eaten an edible, and then forgotten about it. I kept telling Juli I was so high, but I didn't know how I got that way. I remembered about the edible during lunch.

I ate a lot of food......

bought humus and a spinach pastry treat.. ate some ice cream...ate more ice cream later that day...

Me and Julie laid in the sun in the cemetary, hooped a little bit. I took a nap... that edible exhausted me.

I went home, got in bed... then realized I was just being depressed and that I should go out. Me and sumo got in a bad fight about Unifier...

I went out to this super awesome party - Soul Train themed. All the homies. It was so much fun.. I was so upset though. Honestly I think that may have made it  more fun in a sick and twisted way.... cause my brain works like that....

I think that maybe since I was depressed I had a reason to really let loose. I drank a lot of whiskey and smoked a cig.. what is letting loose?

who am i anymore?

I've been going through this thing.... where i've beeen drinking more than i was before.. its that time though, right? its my last semester of college. I think i realized that at the beginning of this semester. I wanna hnagout with people now. I wanna be in college.. now that its over...

Cycles. Cycles are so real. This has been the most difficult cycle for me.... because i saw where I was.. i can still see it.... and i want to be back there.. but the faster i try to climb the hill, the faster i slide down it... then i'm sliding... and i don't remember how to climb... but I do, but it's hard, and i'm slipping and falling and hurting myself.. but it feels kind of good.. in the worst way..... i don't know what life is.


I need to start writing more. I need to do this every damn day. every. damn. day


I had a really beautiful walk home from the library <3

Listened to "Gaia" and "lets go home" by Blackmill. Danced in the cemetary in under the almost fulll moon. Extactic. I feel a new cycle beginning. I feel new beginnings. I feel HAPPINESS seeping in... i can't keep it out forever :)


NEW MOON in Sagitarrius tomorrow. I am a sagitarrius moon.. oooooooohh whoa. just made that connectoin. Probably why i'm feeling so fantastic. <3


SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER! YOU CAN DO IT CASEY YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT!

maybe writing in this damn blog would have helped you in this last cycle.

It was a funk. It was hard. you made it out the other side stronger than ever. you recovered. you rested. you waited. you manifested. now is your time. now is the time to manifest happiness and love, kindness and tenderness.

WRITE WRITE WRITE

write your LET GO of in a notebook tomorrow.

write your manifestiations in notebook and online. make them real. MANIFEST.

I can't decide if i should sleep otuside or not.... i love the idae of it, but i feel like i wont be able to fall asleep once i get out there.. my bed is so comforting.. lol. i'll go sit outside for a second and do some yoga and see how i feel i guess.



burning moon
livid eyes
this cycle has passed
full moon, rise

the end is just beginning, the fear is subsiding.
i can feel my fingers, i can i can feel my breath
these demons, they live inside me.
but they do not conquer, they flee in retreat

feel the beat, feel the tune. feel the essence, feel the moon.
we are here, sitting, listening

what are you listening for?
what ar eyou listening to?
lsisten to your own heart, listen for you

my heart has been aching, with sores so deep and shallow
i feel obsessive
thoughts take control of my mind like a plague
relentless and dirty
fuck you, i'm hurting.
it s not fucking fair, you get all the power.
i refuse to grant you that, this is my hour.
my soul is beaten and twisted, black with soot and webs of tar.
stickey strings of black web, create ugly shapes.

that is not me. i am flowers and sunshine.
i am purples and greens
stained glass light, shimmer, sparkle.
i am not defeated.
i am not done.
im just getting started
you have not won.

Release

Days go by

Winter comes and goes

I feel the ebb

I feel the flow

Scattered in my mind, 

Precise in my words.

I feel release,

Seeping into the world

Who

I think there's too much focus on who we are going to be, and not who we are... 

I am a billion different things,but I am just one. I cannot be all the things, all the dreams, all the aspirations, because I am me, right now. How is one supposed to know what he is supposed to be if he doesn't even know who he is, now. 

Hey

doesn't matter,

we're here.

keep spinning, 

do not fear.

your light is beaming,

keep it bright.

dont forget, 

about tonight. 

i'm stalling, 

calling

always falling.

your light is too bright,
don't fight your appetite
for change, for beauty,
that you deserve.

Meanings

Meanings are exticential,
they hold so much untapped potential.
Rituals forgotten,
useless words

Frequence

They come in all forms,
light and dark...
feel the spark.
Ungulating directions, whispering trajections.


I went hiking at Hocking with some super awesome friends yesterday and it was super awesome. I did yoga with Anna at noon, then Aya got stuck in a tree...legitimately stuck in a truck. She was like forty feet in the air...crazy girl.

Saturday.

Saturday's are a gift. Birds chirp at nine AM. Singing songs you only hear on good days.

Choosing yourself is the most beautiful thing you can do. Doing things for others is beautiful too, and we're taught that in order to be selfless you have to give up the fulfillment of your own self. You must give up doing things for yourself, you must do things for others. The truth is, though, that you cannot fully give yourself to anyone or anything unless you are first doing all things that you do, for yourself.


Daily reoccurances,
seem out of my control.
Surrender, Suspend her. Defend her. Arrest her.
Giving my all, all of myself,
for peace, for angst, for any chance at a glimpse of light.

I release my yearning to mend,
to fix what I tend to bend.
Flooding in, comes peace.
I only have myself, and I am in control.
Going inside, a trecherous path, at first,
until you stop trying.
Breathe, and move towards love.

Home.

I may go home to Indiana today.

I miss my soul family. I struggle with this.

Constantly absent, for things my heart aches for.
I'm here, planting seeds, I hope anyway.
Crucial synapses.
I am a link, in many terms.
But I can only take so much.

My heart aches for the love I am capable of giving myself.
Running to find it. Find yourself.

Personal struggles, old habits run down familiar paths,
but i am building barracades, detours, re-routs.
We can break it down.

Stand strong, it gets a little better now.

You just have to believe it's possible.
Come from a space of love, inside your own heart.

You are tortured, you are in pain,
so do this to heal your own heart.

I am not

I am not perfect
I am not yet wise, although wisdom lives within me.
I am not sure.
I am not a poet, nor a song writer.
I am not somebody who knows anything.

I have all these feelings, and emotions, inside my head.
I am indecisive.

People seem to look towards me for guidance.
I look towards you.

I used to want answers,
but I am slowly realizing that you have none.
You are simply following, the light that we both know to be true.
It's all obscure, and it makes no sense.
Every experience with these castles, those high appointed..
leaves me with more answers, but  more questions.
A paradoxical paradox.

It doesn't have to make sense to be beautiful.
Endless trickles of exasperated exhaustion.
Endless fickle of the imagination,
angsting for truth, but isn't it all truth?
What's the point in choosing dark spaces?
You don't have to fight for light, you just have to believe it's there.
Trust me, I know even that is easier said than done sometimes.
Why would your own mind beg for you to wither?
Whispers from your own pits, forcing you to fits.
But that is not you, your mind is below you.
Find your voice within.
Do it for yourself.




Today,

I am

Today, I'm starting a blog. I think this will be good. I used to have a xanga. Do you remember those? I used that thing as my diary for all of sixth grade. It was fun, a much more personal form of Facebook I think. Everyone seemed to share everything on there. Mine got deleted along with many of my classmate's at the beginning of 7th grade. I've always kind of been sad about that. I mean, that's one of the only times in my life that I was writing nearly everyday, and it was on the internet! I used to write everyday in high school, and I go back an look at my journals sometimes, but it would be super neat to get an insight to my eleven year old self via an archived blog. 

I am 21 years old. I almost wrote 20. I guess I'm feeling pretty immature today. 

I nervous eat. 

I'm eating tortilla chips, they're super good, but it's nervous eating. I keep a snack by my side so that I don't waste time going downstairs to the kitchen and opening the fridge 500 times a night, somehow forgetting that I did not go grocery shopping in the past fifteen minutes. 

This is my journey. My story. 

One time, 

i found myself walking along this path

I didn't really know where I was going, but I knew it was the right way.

I could feel the pulse, I could hear the voice, external.

I didn't really know what was happening, 

but I knew it was right. 

I listened, very intently. 

I followed, very carefully, 

because I knew it was right. 

Somehow along the way, 

I got scared.

I saw things, felt things, heard things....

I was confused, and while I could still hear that pulse, pounding...

fear found its way in.

Just believe these things are happening to you,

and fall into them. 

This is your life,

you are in control. 

I'm nervous eating again. I'm not going to even go back and read it.

Why have I never done this before? Wow...

When we were youngsters,

we thought the adults had it figured out.

then we get here,

to find that they were never there.

we're not here.

I'm ready to move on,

I'm ready to heal.

I'm ready to feel, real.

If there was something, just one thing.