i had a really amazing weekend
Thurs- SYC at Yheti - afterparty at Jeremy's
Friday - pre-West Fest - hungout near hipster kids while acouostic music was played in the sun on a beautiful day. Although i'll be honest, i wasn't having the best day that day. I ate quarter hit of L around 2 pm. Met up with David, then we walked to the music together. Julie just kept saying how great of a day it was, but I felt empty for some reason.....
That night I went out to the show on 15 Morris. It was supposed to be at Tyler's house but it got cancelled. Miah came over, or else I probalby wouln't have made it out honestly. I was feeling super weird. Miah, Caitlyn, and Jared spun fire at the party/show. Wed Zepween and FOTO played. I stayed for a bit, got really high and drank a little whiskey. I wished I had stayed longer as soon as I left... wanted to kick it and let loose some more.
Alfred was in town. So was Ali. That was neat.
Saturday Julie and I went to the free meal at UCM at 1 cause Kat told me to go. Then we went to the street fair and watched some live music stuff. I was super super stoned cause I had eaten an edible, and then forgotten about it. I kept telling Juli I was so high, but I didn't know how I got that way. I remembered about the edible during lunch.
I ate a lot of food......
bought humus and a spinach pastry treat.. ate some ice cream...ate more ice cream later that day...
Me and Julie laid in the sun in the cemetary, hooped a little bit. I took a nap... that edible exhausted me.
I went home, got in bed... then realized I was just being depressed and that I should go out. Me and sumo got in a bad fight about Unifier...
I went out to this super awesome party - Soul Train themed. All the homies. It was so much fun.. I was so upset though. Honestly I think that may have made it more fun in a sick and twisted way.... cause my brain works like that....
I think that maybe since I was depressed I had a reason to really let loose. I drank a lot of whiskey and smoked a cig.. what is letting loose?
who am i anymore?
I've been going through this thing.... where i've beeen drinking more than i was before.. its that time though, right? its my last semester of college. I think i realized that at the beginning of this semester. I wanna hnagout with people now. I wanna be in college.. now that its over...
Cycles. Cycles are so real. This has been the most difficult cycle for me.... because i saw where I was.. i can still see it.... and i want to be back there.. but the faster i try to climb the hill, the faster i slide down it... then i'm sliding... and i don't remember how to climb... but I do, but it's hard, and i'm slipping and falling and hurting myself.. but it feels kind of good.. in the worst way..... i don't know what life is.
I need to start writing more. I need to do this every damn day. every. damn. day
I had a really beautiful walk home from the library <3
Listened to "Gaia" and "lets go home" by Blackmill. Danced in the cemetary in under the almost fulll moon. Extactic. I feel a new cycle beginning. I feel new beginnings. I feel HAPPINESS seeping in... i can't keep it out forever :)
NEW MOON in Sagitarrius tomorrow. I am a sagitarrius moon.. oooooooohh whoa. just made that connectoin. Probably why i'm feeling so fantastic. <3
SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER! YOU CAN DO IT CASEY YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT!
maybe writing in this damn blog would have helped you in this last cycle.
It was a funk. It was hard. you made it out the other side stronger than ever. you recovered. you rested. you waited. you manifested. now is your time. now is the time to manifest happiness and love, kindness and tenderness.
WRITE WRITE WRITE
write your LET GO of in a notebook tomorrow.
write your manifestiations in notebook and online. make them real. MANIFEST.
I can't decide if i should sleep otuside or not.... i love the idae of it, but i feel like i wont be able to fall asleep once i get out there.. my bed is so comforting.. lol. i'll go sit outside for a second and do some yoga and see how i feel i guess.
burning moon
livid eyes
this cycle has passed
full moon, rise
the end is just beginning, the fear is subsiding.
i can feel my fingers, i can i can feel my breath
these demons, they live inside me.
but they do not conquer, they flee in retreat
feel the beat, feel the tune. feel the essence, feel the moon.
we are here, sitting, listening
what are you listening for?
what ar eyou listening to?
lsisten to your own heart, listen for you
my heart has been aching, with sores so deep and shallow
i feel obsessive
thoughts take control of my mind like a plague
relentless and dirty
fuck you, i'm hurting.
it s not fucking fair, you get all the power.
i refuse to grant you that, this is my hour.
my soul is beaten and twisted, black with soot and webs of tar.
stickey strings of black web, create ugly shapes.
that is not me. i am flowers and sunshine.
i am purples and greens
stained glass light, shimmer, sparkle.
i am not defeated.
i am not done.
im just getting started
you have not won.
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