its sticky.

gray, black, and red.

it's only real if you let it be. 

christmas perils

perils.
christmas perils.

its too much to write.
theres so much pain today, i feel it seeping it, even despite the incredible blessings that i have in front of me..

i'm home.
bubba...

it's been a great christmas.

I feel the entire world, in one piece, fractaled out into spider webs of kinnecton...
fragile fires, endless tapes and wires.
we are those ones, we are here.

I feel myself expanding rapidly, I'm prepared. keep your head on straight. don't scream.


I went to Brien Cristi's house tonight and it was awesome. We hung out, listened to awesome music (including David Bowie - Black Star?), Miah showed us his drawings, and Brien read his poem/reading aloud for us. It was pretty cool. Mostly I just like being with those people. I aspire <3

Aika, Miah, Caitlyn, Tyler, Brien, Doty, Doty's partner, and a new person who was cool.
I should go to bed. if I was sleeping outside I would go look at it... it's crazy, I'm going to miss seeing the lunar eclipse because its super cold and I'm lazy. if i't was warm I would 100% make myself stay up a little longer and go, or just go now. but I'm third as fuck and I should go to sleep tbh.

this place is special. while I'm eager to leave and learn new things, I also value the experiences that this place has to offer. But I also want to get out of my comfort zone and do something different. If it wasn't for Advocates I would 100% say yes, absolutely, lets go to this farm in Eugene and rock it for a year. but advocates has created this responsibility. its like having a child that isn't quite grown up yet. So, I have to delay my aspirations in one area of my life in order to pursue another........

I guess that makes sense?
man.. can I not have both.. there HAS to be a way.. right? ferric.....

what is going onnnnn???
will I ever know? will anyone?
are we fish? swimming up the river, trying not to get eaten by bears?
or are we blue birds... free, to roam the sky and take shelter in the trees..?
are we not both?

I don't know if I will ever feel ready for something that isn't here.
so with that in mind, how do I know if something is right until its there? what is the smartest thing to do..?
most responsible... for who??

manifest... possibilities
aspiration
horticulture learning
a job that allows me to express my passions while learning about horticulture, maintaining relevancy in the field of horticulture, and practicing horticulture daily.

love list

this is my love list

- cats, my cats
- all animals
- trees
- sunny days
- fall afternoons
- people that make me feel safe, wanted, loved, funny, smart
- people that appreciate me
- my best friends
- soul family
- my supporting family
- beer
- vegan food!


This morning is interesting. Suzie isn't here, and the boys (cats) aren't here.
tillo and batman spent the night outside. goodness I hope they didn't freeze!
aya and jade are on my bed, and ammonite is in the tower. they've all eaten breakfast.

I'm going to stretch, and then make my own breakfast, and then get dressed, and then load the car up. I need to water the plants too, and leave early so I can pick up olive oil and cat food. I'm working with Sara today.. not dave. mer. its just one day, you can do it.

love is a thing that makes the heart ache
it hurts, it heals, it finds peace and reverence
my only regret is that I did not make more of it
I found the end, I found the side of me that is unconditional.
I can do this
control, breatehe,
be smart and care.


Harold Is sitting on my suit case.
I'm gong to stretch now.

<3

winter solstice

I am feeling sentimental
it is the winter solstice <3
and it is an eclipse
I am feeling honored
to be apart of this beautiful world.

its crazy how moods can change so quickly.

I'm so confused.
which way is up, or down, around and around..
dizzy, exhausted, can I hear me scream?
can I hear the circles.. the fearless turtles.
get off of me, do you not feel this?
I know I'm creating it, but am I?
I can't be that powerful. harness your own power.
am I too powerful for you? that is not coming from the ego, it's coming from irritation, stop ...

and its switched, switchback. calm, irritation, irrationality, regret, appreciation, serenity, calm, satisfaction, dissatisfaction, irritation, irrationality, extremity, fatality...
regret, appreciation, serenity

hyper

i am hyper aware
of this flow
of my surroundings
my thoughts
my feelings - and the detachment from them
sometimes, I wish it would just go away....
i wish the awareness would pause expansion...
but that's a selfish wish, an ego wish, ego trap, disease...
fear.
and i'm aware of that.
but i feel this darkness,
i see it, i can touch it, and taste it.
i'ts bitter, like the hops i like to drink.

there is so much inside of me.. what am i tryin to say?

I am here. and i do not want to listen to what the darkness has to say about me anymore.
let.go.
i thought that is was what i was doing...
is it happening?
IS IT HAPPENING?
IS IT fucking happening??

HOW can one be so aware..

am i downloading?
activated, under stars in Massachusetts.

what did i do wrong, along the way?
it feels like there was something...... is it me? is that just my role? the lost one... saved by the wolf. everything happens for a reason....  my girlfriend has that tattooed on her....

do you know what is happening?
is this....
thoughts come and go.

i can hear them.
they are me
i can hear myself, in other places.
it's al me. my connection to spirit, source, the everything, infinite, dualistic, triad,  infinite miracles.

i did everything the best that i could...
Caitlyn talks about entities that want bodies
they take advantage of your weak moments..... they feed on negative energy
take control, find balance, feel peace.

i think we all feel things that we aren't prepared for.
even the awareness of my awareness that feelings are only the mind, that is a feeling that i am certainly not prepared for. but i am learning.