aren't we all high?

think about it, if we are the consciousness, streaming....
we are important to keeping this alive.
we are important for getting this to thrive.
our energy,
our words, actions, and swords...
the weapons we choose,
the the light that we hold,
the fear that we shed,
it's all so imporatant,

keep writing
you are the one that hears.
keep listening
I am here,
I am listening,
I do not fear
we will rise,
can you hear?
I am not listening...
what do they say?

if you feel like screaming, do it

if you feel like throwing your hands up, throwing it all up, to the wind, hoping it will take you with it, then do it, because it won't.

you will still be here, you will still be able to stand, and walk, and speak.

they cannot take that from you.

they are trying to break you, they are trying to push you so far deep into the dirt that you suffocate. they want you hopeless, surrendered.

what they do not know is that the further they push you down, the stronger you become. because you will not suffocate, you will not give up, and you will not surrender to a force so far removed from your spirit.

you will push your way to the surface of the soil, and just as you think you cannot push any further, you cannot breathe, you can no longer move, you will reach the surface, and the sunlight will pierce your budding leaves. rejuvenate yourself in the light; there lies your strength.

you have been place here by hands that make no mistakes. you have been called on, listen. I know you hear it.

I know it is difficult to hear cries that you cannot soothe. the nurture in me is so heartbroken, what do I do? what can I do?

Hope, persevere, follow the light, and never lose sight of it.

You are the light. Extend this light beyond the comfortable sphere of like-mindedness that you've nestled yourself into over the years. As we've discovered the truth, we have weeded out those who cannot see it, refuse to see it. Integrate them back into your life. Plant your garden and watch it grow; nurture it, love it unconditionally, and wait with patience as it, too, finds the light to bloom.

The only reason a flower would hesitate to bloom is if it did not have the resources to do so: sunlight, water, food. PROVIDE THE RESOURCES. Be the light, water, food, friend, teacher...

Look at the ground beneath you. We're all standing on it.

Listen to your heartbeat. It's not over. Take a deep breathe, keep moving forward.

I'm feeling very stuck at this moment in time.
I'm in bed, on a cold fall morning. Ammonite is here.

I didn't go to Caty's this morning because I had anxiety about it. I thought I had to go into work, but I didn't, so I didn't go anywhere. I took a little nap, and now its almost 11:30.

To do today...
- work on that grant
- yoga class
- email to SE team about upcoming shows - two more people left
- volunteer opportunties in Cincy and Cleveland - make a sheet to give at the shows
- pay for WOOF membership
- Affirmation art
- AOC action day research organization
- get together info about grants from Eclipise Concepts - add it to a document to give grant writing interns


Fall fades into winter. my plants are dead, my feelings are splinters.
weakening weather, strengthening will.
to go inside, to take the pill?
to feel alive, to feel alone...
I have not finished, I am not done
find the light inside, kindness and love.
that is you, you are the one.
don't fret, don't fight, you are alive.


I feel good today. batman is snuggling with me. I've gotten some syc stuff done.
I feel good about getting this syc stuff done. I feel really big things coming for us, I just have to stay on top of things. the computer helps a fuck ton.

Fall

Fall is always a good time for me.

Something about the air.
something about how the light is always orange..
angles, atmosphere, bending light, turning it in from dark.

Trump was elected on Tuesday. Compassion, turn on high.
Hope. Hold on.

Now I'm watching videos on youtube about it.

I feel really good today.
Sumo and I had a really great giggly morning.
Then I dropped her off at work.
Then I got a bunch of syc work done.
Stretched.
Made tincture water and a nice tea blend.
I'm going to put my buchi in containers either tonight or tomorrow.
going to pick up sumo from work at 5, and I wanna take her for a drink at cider house.
then we may hangout with Sammy. I want to create mantra art.

some celebrities have some wisdom. white privelage, to be able to have access to the knowledge that all always have access to: yourself. It's crazy, right? It seems only those that are privileged are given the opportunity to know that meditation and self-awareness and being present in the moment are the only way out of your mind. Go inside your mind to get out of it. Go inside your mind to get out of the torture.

"I will not stay uninspired by whats inspired me. Being inspired, courage, brave, Bold, and active into your own future and everyones future.. depends on you. thats within your own circle of influence. I'm not going to say that 'we lose' because that's a waste of time. We're all going to lose no matter what, it's the journey that counts, its how we collabarate with each other that counts. "

Fall...
A time of seclusion, reclusion, inclusion.
subtraction, from normal life.
reflection, for my own sake.
a time where I can validate staying inside all day, stretching, thinking, reading, healing...
the light is orange, the feelings are transformational

it doesn't have to sound right to feel right. I am expression.
I am an endless sea of thoughts. but that is not me. I am not thoughts. I am ME.
what is me? what is feeling? Humanity is feeling. Humanity is emotion. WE are not human. WE are NOT our emotions. So then what is? Humans are emotions. So.. for us to deny those emotions, we are denying the essence of being human. what is a human without humanness? A machine? A vessel that lacks compassion, empathy.. only expresses lower vibrational emotions.. the primal, instinctual ones. fear. aggression. but we are much more than primal. look how far we have come? shouldn't we start acting like it?

FALL -  A TIME TO REFLECT
a time to mourn the years losses, but to magikly feel renewed at the loss. to feel like everything is exactly, how, it, is, supposed, to, be.
A time to feel the deepest parts of yourself.
dig deeper.
feel. focus. breathe. get comfortable.
also a time to be cold.. adjustment. stay loose, keep stretching, do what you need to do for yourself to remain calm, happy, fearless, full of light.

learn from the orange light. take it in, feel it's refraction, its evening warmth, angles, refraction.
we are human, in this life. I am not human. I have taken on this human identity, so that I may learn the lessons that my karmic life needs to learn. so that I may learn unconditional love. love without conditions.

patience, gratitude, love, essence of being, self-care, effective and open communication.

Those ones.. the ones that bicker at you, look down upon you, treat you with disrespect. they are treating themselves with disrespect. they are here to learn their own lessons, and whatever they may be, they are INTENSE. they will learn quickly, when it comes their time. they will feel the love inside their heart, and they can deny truth no more. Just keep writing. for peace, for change, for hope, and love.

keep writing to find yourself, to be yourself. who are you? who am I? I. I. I. It is I. I am myself. I am me.

I am grateful today for
- my kitties
- my plants
- my home
- my tinctures
- kombucha
- batman
- fall lighting
- sunny days in the fall
- suzanne morgan
- my tight knit clan
- I'm grateful for the opportunities that life gives me everyday to learn lessons from those that surround me. This life is a classroom, I know this, and I am grateful to be able to share information that I was granted access to.

So, why. me? why me? this is to you, source. spirit, god? why me? I know there are reasons, mostly mathematical. but... I'm searching for some kind of answer. what is it? what am I searching for, even? a friend to be like.. OH YES THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME. Anthony? similar things have happened to him.

Please grant me the strength to be myself around him. to TRULY open up to him. to love myself enough to not be scared to openly express myself.

catalyst

I identify with the catalyst.

today

- pick up table from boys house
- thrift store
- cool digs to get promix
- vote

- pick dandelions
- repot plants, and feed



I'm about to look up the candidates for voting today. Sumo and I are going to go vote...

I feel bad kind of today because I didn't go to Caty's house again... but I really needed this day to get myself together more. It's hard going to her place most of the day Monday and then work the rest of the week, and then I'm either out of town or busy with house stuff for Saturday and Sunday.. or sumo and I are chilling, catching up, because we usually don't see each other much during the week.

Life is such a balancing act, it's so intense.
I feel like there is never enough time.
Being outside makes time go slower, sure, but then you're outside, and the things that need 'done' don't get done.
What is "done"?
What is "doing?
We occupy ourselves with all of these things that need to "be done', because we don't know what else to do with ourselves. and when we 'have done' all of the things that 'needed done,' we reward ourselves with mindlessness, because we have used our mind so much to 'do' all the 'things'... but have we REALLY used our minds?

what does it mean to use your mind? do you use your mind to do things? do you use your mind to go inward.. to go inside the mind? if I am not my mind, can I go inside of it? can I only go inside of myself? because I am not my mind. my mind is a separate entity, I am the passenger, but also the driver. It's so strange. I am both. I am driving, manuevering, but I also must be careful to identify too much with this vehicle. I am just inside of the vehicle. Sometimes it go on autopilot. Was that what it was trained to do? Is that why it is so hard, sometimes, to take control? What makes the mind go on autopilot? conditioning.. there is one. But what about trauma?

Childhood trauma.. really teen year trauma. .. there is always a deeper source, until you reach source. I can try to find the root in the problem, but I could go on forever.. like sumo's shoulder muscles. you can keep trying to find the root of the pain, and you will find, easily, that what is causing the pain in one area is being caused by pain in another area. it is all connected, and you can search for the root, but it will always lead you back to source. because the source, is source. the source of truth, and pain, lies, and fear. The source s always source, because there IS NO OTHER. so.. why? why is this pain emerging from source? It is because we are inflicting it, because we are source, because we are all that there is. but there is also something deeper. paradox.

so, I can try and try and try to find the source, and maybe, in this lifetime, it will be easiest for me to believe that the source is the trauma between my mother and I in my teen years. maybe that will be easiest, for me to heal. but the truth is, the source is karmicly deeper than that, spanning many lifetimes, it is all connected, and a million actions and decisions and moments have led you to where you are, in this moment.

we are in control. we choose when we want to heal. we can search for the root, but unless we are looking for root of ourselves, we are misguiding ourselves. to heal the root issue, stop searching for the issue, but begins searching for the root. the root of yourself. what is the root of who you are? do you feel it?

do you feel the 'youness' beyond your mind? your mind is not you.

what is inside? what can you find? breathe. dmt.

Liberation. Boundless. Breath, Freedom.

I am dredging through the sticky webs. but they are grey now, the black is fading. turning to white. the sticky webs are also stretchy. and they can help me PROPEL forward, if I grant them that power. I just have to pull back, a little bit launch myself forward....
feel myself flying through space, free of residue, weighing me down. free I can move around! I can spin, and twist, and fly through this air without get sticky goo on my hands, without feeing weighed down.

Visualize this, often. You an do this.

water for cats

I'm thank full for so many things. I'm thankful for this computer that I'm typing on, I am loved, and safe, and cared for. I am safe, I am safe. I am thankful for Dave, a wonderful friend that is teaching me so much about honesty, with myself, and with others. He is open, he pulls me open. He allows me to see who I really am, and it's funny, because he thinks I'm the one 'teaching' him. Ha. Well, I am. I feel that too, but man, I learn so much from him. He has two beautiful children, and he is just the best dad, and he loves Teresa so much.

I'm thankful for the supportive people that I have in my life. I feel supported by so many people that I don't even know. Sure, they don't know me, and sure, I may have some weird spiteful feelings about that, but do I have a right to feel that way? Rather, I should say, does it serve me to feel that way? No, I don't think so. People are allowed to care about you deeply and not even know you. You feel that way about so many...

People are allowed to care for me deeply even if they do not know me.

I will write everyday. I will write everyday. I will write everyday. It's what got me through my teen years, potentially the only thing that truly did. Is that fair to say? I had a loving family, even my mother. I always knew she loved me deeply. I knew that's why she acted so crazy; I just didn't want to validate that behavior, and it felt like I had absolutely no control of what was going on in my mind. There was ALWAYS this voice that told me that I could just sit up, and talk, but once I got down, it was so hard to get up. The hardest thing to do is get up. Once you're up, it feels so good.

I should talk to Dave about what's going on. I should talk to him. I think he will allow me to find my voice, to truly ask for help. I don't have my voice with Anthony yet, and I feel that it is important that I do that. Dave is equally as guiding of me right now though, if not more, because I talk to him deeply every week. It's therapy to talk to someone and feel like you're helping them - I feel that way about talking to him... soo.. if I talk to him about my past - start with my past. Address the root problem. You cannot give up on this relationship with Sumo (even if it's NOT who you will end up with at the time of your death ---- wow, am I really that scared of that word ------ it's still important to forge this beautiful loving nurturing relationship right NOW, because growth, healing this wound that feels so deep) before addressing the root - the past.

I will talk to Dave about my past, when the time is right, but I would like for the time to be right on Tuesday. I would like for the time to be right on Tuesday.

Experiences:
Should I do this? Is this okay? Am I allowed to tYPE this? Okay.
Sometimes they communicate through artwork.

I feel that I am a witch. I feel witchy. Herbs are amazing. I am so young, and I have so much to learn.

I wish I had known my ancestors. I wish I could tell them. I wish I could be at standing rock.

man... papadosio is such a trip.

I am so blessed.


Do witches feel emotion?
Oh, we feel the msot.
do witches feed you potion?
Ha, of course.
with the best intentions, of course.
I can write, ti doesn't matter what.

I can occupy my mind, with expression. words are all it really knows. feelings come next, and well, they feel.

I will write, everyday. because I feel like that is what's best for me.
Healing should feel good. It should be release.

If I had had the capacity to know what all those intense reactions, manipulations, emotional responses... what all the lack of air,
the lack of care, the spiraling, screaming, lashing..
blaming..
if I had known what all the struggling, the identifying with my feelings..
there was always that little voice, trying to save me.
but I listened to my intense emotional response, my feelings that were magnified by the stars, biology, and a mother struggling with the aftermath of her own childhood trauma.
I held too many expectations of her.
but before I start blaming myself,
it all happened, and everything happened exactly how it was supposed to.
I know that can be hard to hear, but only when it comes to her.
I think what may scare you the most, is the karma that is coming from all this mistreatment of people.
you know that it is coming, so what is it?
and what are you going to do about it?
heal. heal. heal.
your father, your sister, you. mother, your partner.
Ian... who else? can you feel the others?


I should get water for the cats.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went on tour a couple weeks ago for an entire week. I suppose I went for two weeks last time, but I had a break in between. Last time was hard too though, with Brien. I remember feeling really empty. It was crazy.

Now I'm sitting in my room. How do I feel? I feel like watching that HBO show. I know it will be easier for me to wake up in the morning if I feel ALIVE! I am alive. I feel alive, sometimes.

You can work through this. Just keep writing, don't think about what you're saying. you are intrinsicly poetic. You are deep, and beautiful, and wonderful. You are not a monster. You do not inflict pain. You do not inflict pain.

I do not inflict pain. I am beautiful, wonderful, a shining light. I am guided. I am safe, I am cared for, I am loved. I am not in pain because I did something wrong. I am in pain to grow. I am not being punished. I am being loved. I am being stretched to the edges, to the boundaries, stretched thin sometimes, but I believe in you. Leave some inside, for tomorrow. How do you feel, right now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't get water for the cats, but I got food for myself. I should get water for the cats. I got water for the cats.

my knees have been hurting. I need to stretch more. I will stretch more. I will stretch everyday.

I love myself.

The tunnel

I think a lot about how I will look back on this time. I take myself out of the present moment to reflect on my past self from the perspective of my future self. I use third person when speaking to myself, rather than first person. I address myself as a different individual than my own self. I understand how that can be confusing for a person. It confuses me, confuses myself.

I want to create a holistic health center, whether it be a formal center, with memberships and regular visitors, or my home, full of fresh air, healing arts, and gardens.

I think its important for me, myself, right now, to focus on what is right on front of me, myself; I'm not sure what those faces that I see in the mirror are. Sometimes I hear this clicking, creaking, in the back of my head. I think its alignment, of some sort, sometimes maybe it is misalignment.

I wish I had the words, the understanding, rather, of what is happening to me, to everyone. I wish I had the capacity to hold this space, open in time.  I wish I could stop wishing for things. I can.

It's time to get up, to feel the space between your fingers, to grasp onto your own feet. I will see the end of the tunnel, if I could only find the entrance.