today

- pick up table from boys house
- thrift store
- cool digs to get promix
- vote

- pick dandelions
- repot plants, and feed



I'm about to look up the candidates for voting today. Sumo and I are going to go vote...

I feel bad kind of today because I didn't go to Caty's house again... but I really needed this day to get myself together more. It's hard going to her place most of the day Monday and then work the rest of the week, and then I'm either out of town or busy with house stuff for Saturday and Sunday.. or sumo and I are chilling, catching up, because we usually don't see each other much during the week.

Life is such a balancing act, it's so intense.
I feel like there is never enough time.
Being outside makes time go slower, sure, but then you're outside, and the things that need 'done' don't get done.
What is "done"?
What is "doing?
We occupy ourselves with all of these things that need to "be done', because we don't know what else to do with ourselves. and when we 'have done' all of the things that 'needed done,' we reward ourselves with mindlessness, because we have used our mind so much to 'do' all the 'things'... but have we REALLY used our minds?

what does it mean to use your mind? do you use your mind to do things? do you use your mind to go inward.. to go inside the mind? if I am not my mind, can I go inside of it? can I only go inside of myself? because I am not my mind. my mind is a separate entity, I am the passenger, but also the driver. It's so strange. I am both. I am driving, manuevering, but I also must be careful to identify too much with this vehicle. I am just inside of the vehicle. Sometimes it go on autopilot. Was that what it was trained to do? Is that why it is so hard, sometimes, to take control? What makes the mind go on autopilot? conditioning.. there is one. But what about trauma?

Childhood trauma.. really teen year trauma. .. there is always a deeper source, until you reach source. I can try to find the root in the problem, but I could go on forever.. like sumo's shoulder muscles. you can keep trying to find the root of the pain, and you will find, easily, that what is causing the pain in one area is being caused by pain in another area. it is all connected, and you can search for the root, but it will always lead you back to source. because the source, is source. the source of truth, and pain, lies, and fear. The source s always source, because there IS NO OTHER. so.. why? why is this pain emerging from source? It is because we are inflicting it, because we are source, because we are all that there is. but there is also something deeper. paradox.

so, I can try and try and try to find the source, and maybe, in this lifetime, it will be easiest for me to believe that the source is the trauma between my mother and I in my teen years. maybe that will be easiest, for me to heal. but the truth is, the source is karmicly deeper than that, spanning many lifetimes, it is all connected, and a million actions and decisions and moments have led you to where you are, in this moment.

we are in control. we choose when we want to heal. we can search for the root, but unless we are looking for root of ourselves, we are misguiding ourselves. to heal the root issue, stop searching for the issue, but begins searching for the root. the root of yourself. what is the root of who you are? do you feel it?

do you feel the 'youness' beyond your mind? your mind is not you.

what is inside? what can you find? breathe. dmt.

Liberation. Boundless. Breath, Freedom.

I am dredging through the sticky webs. but they are grey now, the black is fading. turning to white. the sticky webs are also stretchy. and they can help me PROPEL forward, if I grant them that power. I just have to pull back, a little bit launch myself forward....
feel myself flying through space, free of residue, weighing me down. free I can move around! I can spin, and twist, and fly through this air without get sticky goo on my hands, without feeing weighed down.

Visualize this, often. You an do this.